"I have some sad news for 'the gays' (as they're referred to). Unfortunately, they have lost one of their own this evening. Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher who, as you know, was caught doing meth and fucking dudes. The Denver Post is reporting that he is now 'completely heterosexual.' People say, 'How did they turn this clearly gay man into a heterosexual?' It's very simple. Yâ€™know when you were a kid and your father caught you smoking...then he decided to make you smoke a carton? Ted's been a busy boy."
---Jon Stewart, on the Daily Show