Why I use emacs

Everyone’s first vi session:

^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!qdammit[esc]
qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat

A quick one

A man sits down in the confessional at church and says “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful. But last night, I made love to two beautiful 19-year-old girls! We did it three times!”

The priest says, “I see. Tell me, how long has it been since your last confession?”

The old man says, “Oh, I’ve never been to confession. I’m Jewish.”

The priest says, “So what are you telling me for?”

And the old man says, “Hell - I’m telling everybody!”

This is for Everyone

Four baseball fans - a Red Sox fan, a Yankees fan, a Cardinals fan, and a Cubs fan - are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves his team more.

The Red Sox fan insists he is the most loyal. “This is for the Red Sox!” he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the Yankees fan shouts, “This is for the Yankees!” and throws himself off the mountain.

The Cardinals fan is next, so he yells, “This is for everyone!” and then pushes the Cubs fan off the mountain.

Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again

“I have a bachelorette degree in computers”

Esoteric Jokes

A mosquito did cry out in pain,
“A scientist’s rotting my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro
diphenyl-trichloroethane

When Curtis Cooper and Steven Boone discovered the 44th Mersenne prime, Bruce Schneier had to change the combination on his luggage.

Man goes into a bar: Can I have a pint of adenosine triphosphate please?
Barman: Certainly sir, that’ll be 80p

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. The waitress comes out and asks him if he would like to order. “Yes madame, I would like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress hurries back inside, and just as quickly comes back out and says to Sartre “I’m so very sorry monsueir, but we seem to be out of cream. Would you like it with no milk instead?”

via this AskMe thread

Prank War

Q: What happens when a prank war goes too far?

A: Hilarity ensues.

I know the type

A shepherd is tending his sheep, and a man comes by and says, “If I guess the correct number of your sheep, can I have one?”

The shepherd says, “Sure - please try.”

The man looks at the flock and says “Eighty-three.”

The shepherd is completely amazed that he got the right number. The man picks up a sheep and starts to walk away.

The shepherd says, “Wait! If I guess your profession, can I have my sheep back?” The man says, “Sure.”

The shepherd says, “You must be a mathematical biologist.”

The man says, “How did you know?”

“Because you picked up my dog.”

(via the always excellent Carl Zimmer)

Just so you know

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE. YOU WILL BE SAFE, I’M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE

(Somehow it’s funnier in all caps.)

Bah-dum-ching!

So I went with my girlfriend to this Japanese garden last week and it was beautiful. We were walking around and walked over this tiny bridge and saw all these fish, but no matter what I did they just wouldn’t pay attention to me.

My girlfriend came up to me and said “don’t take it personally, they’re just being Koi.”

via MeFi

A New Low

I was looking for something in my closet today, and thought: “Geez - I really need to delete some of this junk.”

I think I spend too much time on the computer.

Digital Get Down

I was on a myspace page the other day that was playing N’Sync’s song “Digital Get Down”. I let out the obligatory groan and scrambled to find the right button to shut it off. Before I managed to kill the obnoxious pop song, I couldn’t help noting some of the lyrics, though - specifically, the beginning of the chorus, which goes like this:

Digital digital get down just you and me
(you may be) twenty thousand miles away but I can see you
And baby baby you can see me

20,000 miles?! I’d like to know where in the hell these people are at.

See, the earth is roughly spherical, with a circumference of about 25,000 miles. So if you were to stand two people as far apart as they could get, at the two poles, they would only be 12,500 miles apart. At that point, if they took a step in any direction, they would always move closer to the other person.

So, unless they have wacky standards of measurement, these people clearly aren’t both on earth. Even the International Space Station is only about 200 miles above earth, so that’s ruled out as well.

As far as I can tell, the only people to have ever been 20,000 miles away from another human would be the Apollo astronauts on a moon mission. So clearly, Justin Timberlake was channeling Neil Armstrong when he sang lyrics like this:

Baby baby we can do all that we want
Were gettin nasty nasty, were getting freaky deaky

“Freaky deaky“?! Kind of paints the moon mission in a whole new light, huh?

Daily Show

“I have some sad news for ‘the gays’ (as they’re referred to). Unfortunately, they have lost one of their own this evening. Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher who, as you know, was caught doing meth and fucking dudes. The Denver Post is reporting that he is now ‘completely heterosexual.’ People say, ‘How did they turn this clearly gay man into a heterosexual?’ It’s very simple. Y’know when you were a kid and your father caught you smoking…then he decided to make you smoke a carton? Ted’s been a busy boy.”

—Jon Stewart, on the Daily Show

Ouch

John Doe removed “my family and friends” from their favorite interests.

As seen on Facebook News Feed - name changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Twangers

I never saw a kids’ show like this when I was growing up…

Ain’t that the truth

Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.

-Jamie Zawinski

Also see: Regular Expressions

Late Night Snark

“President Bush is claiming that a new postal law gives him the authority to read anyone’s letters without a warrant. If you’re upset about the law, you can let Bush know by writing to your sister.”
- Conan O’Brien

How you know software is in beta

Upon closing Songbird I sometimes get this error:


sbPlaylistPlayback::stop() - WHOA. Playback core didn't actually stop when we asked it!
!!! ERROR: sbPlaylistPlayback _onPlayerLoop


To be fair, that’s much better than the “WTFOMGBBQ” exceptions my scripts throw occasionally…

Keep your Jesus off my Penis

Best. Flash Drive. Ever.